Relationship Communication: How to Talk So That Your Partner Will Listen | HuffPost Life
What are the advantages of the Speaker-Listener technique? Wait till your turn as speaker to ask more questions. 2. Focus on the Fighting for your marriage. In the end, neither approach is productive for the relationship and often leads The Speaker/Listener Technique is a structured technique used to safely and Every couple needs to have some way to talk about their difficult issues together. The Speaker Listener Technique (SLT) is a structured communication strategy relationship through a variety of means, a coach is one who ensures couples adhere . While most of these issues rarely cause on‐going problems, we want you.
Labeling your partner "Idiot," "Moron," "Big Baby" or over-generalizing "You always do that" is going to be a turn-off. This doesn't mean you can't get your point across and assert yourself.Being A Good Listener
It simply means that you need to communicate in a way that is not as hostile. Making suggestions for change "It would be helpful if you cleaned up a bit more"while giving credit for some positives "I do appreciate your help with the shopping" can get you more attention and cooperation than out-right attacks "You are the most selfish person I have ever known". That's OK, but your partner needs to know where you are going with it.
For example, it may be that you might want to divide it up -- a few minutes of venting and sharing and then either drop the topic or go on to problem-solving. I've found that a lot of people just want to be heard and cared for.
Ironically, I used to jump in with rationality and problem-solving very quickly until I realized that some of my patients and friends didn't want that. They just wanted to explore feelings and feel supported. So, like a lot of "men" or people overly-committed to rationality and problem-solving I had to learn to give time and space for feelings. I have to confess that I was like a lot of the guys who have commented on previous posts -- thinking that this was a waste of time.
I was task-oriented, committed to rationality, and focused on problem-solving. So it required a lot of discipline for me to step back. As I spent a bit more time validating and listening and supporting, I found that the people I was helping were more willing to hear my rationality and problem-solving when we got around to it.
And, much to my surprise, some didn't need a problem to be solved. They needed someone to care about the fact they had a problem. Listening Is Not Agreeing Sometimes we have the belief that the listener should agree with everything we say and be just as upset as we are. That's the only way to show that he or she is really listening. Listening is hearing, understanding, reflecting, and processing information.
I can listen to your thoughts and feelings without agreeing with your point of view. You and I are different people. It doesn't mean I don't care for you if I don't agree with you. It means I am hearing you.
But sometimes the speaker can attack the listener for not agreeing percent.
Attention Couples: Becoming a Skilled Listener and Effective Speaker
That seems unrealistic and unfair. We all need to accept the differences that make us unique. In fact, the differences can be opportunities for growth.
When you talk to someone who understands you and cares about your feelings -- but doesn't agree with your interpretation of events -- it opens your mind to the fact that there is more than one way to think about things. Respect Advice If you are turning to your partner for support and advice you are likely to get feedback -- probably some advice. Now, you might be unfortunate and get sarcasm and contempt -- the predictors of divorce.
But let's assume that your partner is trying to do what he or she can to be supportive -- but it's not exactly what you want. Maybe the advice is not helpful, maybe it's irrational. But if you want to be heard, you have to be willing to respect the advice-giver. You don't have to take the advice or like the advice. But if you are playing to an audience that you then attack you won't have an audience the next time around. Think of advice or feedback as information -- take it or leave it.
But don't hit the other person over the head with it. As I said, you might just want to vent, share feelings, explore your thoughts. But I think it also makes sense -- some of the time -- to describe potential solutions if you describe potential problems. I actually love to jump to problem-solving as I "admitted" earlier but it may be premature with some people.
But if you are a speaker you might consider this as an option -- describe a solution if you describe a problem. Your solution doesn't have to be an order to do something. It can be tentative, reasonable, one of several possibilities. In fact, if you begin thinking of the problem as something to solve, you might begin feeling more empowered.
But it's your call if you want to go there now -- later -- or never. Validate the Validator One of the most helpful things that you can do as a speaker is to support the person who is supporting you. You don't want to be a downer and you don't want to act entitled to every minute of the other person's time.
Think about it from their point of view. They are listening to you go on about something that is bothering you. Well, it may not be the most fun for them. But they are with you on this. Why not turn around and thank them for spending the time? Thank them for caring enough to listen and support you. I'd like you to keep in mind that good advice is gender-neutral.
But if sex-typed thinking gets in the way, if sarcasm, contempt, stone-walling, attacking, and ridiculing are your games, you may be playing alone.
Order of Precedence Speaker Listener Technique When it comes to conflict between two people, there are two common ways that they usually handle it: The goal for the technique is for both individuals to feel understood by the other.
It is not the solution to the problem or an agreement, but it can help lead to a solution.
Attention Couples: Becoming a Skilled Listener and Effective Speaker
When the conversation is getting emotionally intense and you feel that you are unable to calmly express yourself…take a time out. Agree to a time to come back and finish the conversation preferably in the same day.
Do something to calm down and then return to the conversation using the Speaker Listener Technique. One person is the Speaker and the other is the Listener. There are three main rules for the speaker: Mind reading is when you tell someone what he or she is thinking, feeling, or wanting. An example would be: When the speaker is speaking, they should keep their statements short and stop before going on and on so that the listener can keep in mind what the speaker is saying.
Stop to let the listener paraphrase what they heard.