How can we cope with the aftermath of an affair? | Relate
Betrayal marks a crossroads in a relationship—and having children in They stayed together for another decade after her infidelity and they. The Signs Your Marriage Is Over After Infidelity that staying after betrayal is not for you, and the moment there's infidelity, you're out. The good. 1 hour ago But infidelity is not a new concept—as long as relationships have existed, “ Couples do and can stay together after an affair, but it takes a lot of.
Is your spouse blaming you for the affair? Does he say the betrayal was because of your actions? Have you been working long hours? Spending all of your free time at the gym or with friends? Were you caught up in family life, and too tired to carve out any one-on-one time with your spouse?
Most importantly, pay attention to how your spouse is communicating with you. Is he taking any responsibility for his actions, or is it ALL your fault? Does she appreciate your taking some of the responsibility? Is it softening her position? No Responsibility If your spouse is not on the offensive, he may be on the defensive and making all kinds of excuses for his bad behavior. Or she may be acting as a victim of the affair. As if she has no responsibility for her actions.
Has your spouse sincerely apologized for his actions, and for hurting you? Is she willing and able to take ownership for the affair, and be sincere in her efforts to make amends? How remorseful is your spouse?
Does he demonstrate feelings of regret, guilt? Without genuine remorse, the future of your relationship looks bleak. Sometimes the infidelity is the dynamite that blows up the already condemned building.
Infidelity: What happens after the affair—when you have kids
The marriage was in dire straights for many years. You were more like roommates, rather than husband and wife. Two satellites orbiting the same planet, with no real interaction, collaboration, or connection. If this is your situation, how willing are you and your spouse to look at the state of your relationship before the affair, and take responsibility for your actions? Is your spouse open to answering your questions honestly?
Does he deflect your questions?
What happens after the affair—when you have kids
Or never seem to have time to have a deep conversation. When talking, how is her body language? Is she giving you her undivided attention? The more you can listen with an open heart and some compassion, the more you will learn. It is up to you to hold a space where your spouse can talk about things they will most likely feel guilty or ashamed of… Look first to your behavior, if you are bringing the compassion, but your spouse still cannot share these details, proceed with caution.
Without honesty, there is no hope for a successful reconciliation. If you decide to move forward, be aware that it will be intensely damaging if your spouse withholds information, which you then find out about from another source. This just leads to a feeling of betrayal all over again. The only way through this is with caring, compassionate, and complete honesty.
You need total transparency, and the ability to see back up information to verify what your spouse is telling you. If he is not open to sharing information about passwords, phone calls, texts, Facebook posts, credit card bills, information about his whereabouts, etc.
Is she mocking you? According to marriage expert John Gottmanexpressing contempt is one of the signs your marriage is over. Words and actions that are fueled by contempt lead to more conflict and disconnection, rather than to reconciliation. Is your spouse acting selfishly, shady, or otherwise untrustworthy? Does he continue to do things behind your back, and without your knowledge? Does your spouse build you up, or put you down?
Are you critical of each other? These are all clear and dangerous warning signs of a relationship in serious trouble. Still Connected Has your spouse broken off contact with the other woman or man? Many affairs happen with people in the workplace, making for further complicated situations. To what lengths is your spouse willing to limit his interactions? Not willing to delete the other man or woman off social media, email, or contacts is also another reason for concern.
Keep an eye on how sincere your spouse is in severing ties. Today there are so many more ways to stay connected.
One last thing to note here, is your spouse willing to notify you if the person they had the affair with reaches out and tries to maintain the connection? You want total honesty in this department. Health Safety After a sexual affair, you both may be at risk for sexually transmitted diseases.
Is your spouse proactively offering to get tested? It's important to tell the story of the affair and why it happened. Agree to discuss future challenges too, don't just hope they'll go away.
- After An Affair: Staying Together
- How can we cope with the aftermath of an affair?
Talk about the future threats to your fidelity, like crushes or friendships that could cross the line. Commit to a new future together. Both of you must do this and mean it. Find time for each other, take an interest in each others' lives and feelings, and resolve to be honest with each other in future, even if it means taking a risk. It can be hard to restore a sexual relationship after an affair.
Be patient with each other and talk about any emotional barriers. Give some thought to how a satisfying sexual relationship can alleviate some of the pain, but remember patience and honesty are the key. Consider some relationship counselling. Find your nearest Relate and get in touch.
Signs Your Marriage Is Over After Infidelity | Kira Gould
Many affairs cause havoc in a relationship that is already dogged with problems, but they can provide an opportunity for positive change too. Unfaithful partners can work out how their former behaviour led to giving themselves permission to have an affair - and resolve to change. As a couple, you can make changes to your lifestyle and ensure it supports a faithful relationship in the future.
Make sure that you're open and honest with each other about your wants and needs.
A crisis like this can also make you confront complex issues like gender politics and beliefs you might have both absorbed from society about faithful relationships. It is possible to create a new, stronger relationship in the wake of an affair, but the cost can be very high. An affair can also have destructive effects on your family. Children, in-laws and friends may all find themselves caught up in events, and perhaps having to take sides. Permanent barriers can be created.
Even so, an affair does not always mean the end of your relationship.