What is the reacher and settler in a relationship

Are You The Reacher Or The Settler In Your Relationship?

what is the reacher and settler in a relationship

We'd all like to think our relationships are completely well-balanced, but science says that there is often one partner who is more desirable in. Within a successful, seemingly stable relationship, the settler refers to the "better half", who in essence settles with their partner. The opposite of a reacher. If you are always the reacher and your partner is always the settler then neither of you are growing or moving forward within your relationship.


She leaves her dirty clothes on the floor and not in the hamper and it will represent a personal affront to you and your awesomeness.

You Take Turns In Each Role If you are always the reacher and she is always the settler then neither of you are growing. When you first started dating, you might have felt like you were seeing someone way out of your league. So what did you do? You chose to grow. You wanted to meet her on her level.

Reacher or Settler: Dating Out of Your League / Single AF Podcast / Ep. 12

You sorted your life out, started exercising more, started crushing it in business, and just generally became a more competent and amazing human being. She was inspired by you and your drive.

what is the reacher and settler in a relationship

So what did she do? She followed suit and continued to up the ante. When you are the reacher, you are in a growth phase. You are pushing to be your absolute best.


When you are an encourager, you help your partner by supporting them in their growth phase. The truly thriving relationship exists when you can take on both roles as a reacher and an encourager. You are both simultaneously building and advancing yourself, while encouraging your partner to grow. Either Role Is Based On Individual Perspective Whether you see yourself as the reacher or the settler can also fluctuate on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis.

I believe there is value in the reacher settler model when it forces someone to realize that they are continually dating below their potential. Science says there's a 'reacher' and a 'settler' in most relationships January 8th by: But does it really work like this in real life? And if the "undesirable" guy or girl does reel in their sweetheart, do they live happily ever after? Or does the "undesirable" one feel forever inadequate and is the "desirable" one always secretly on the lookout for someone better?

Depressingly, according to science, this is exactly what happens.

Science says there's a 'reacher' and a 'settler' in most relationships

The reachers were the partners who were generally considered less desirable in their relationships and were with people "out of their league", while the settlers were the partners who were more desirable and had settled for someone below their league.

The team then found that when the settler was exposed to other potential partners who better fit their needs, it was difficult for that person to remain loyal and affectionate to their significant other. Traditionally, evolutionary psychology suggests that people end up matched with mates of equal "value"; for instance, if you were rated a "7", your partner is likely to be a "6", "7" or "8".

what is the reacher and settler in a relationship

But does this theory change everything? Is the well-known reacher-settler theory seen on screen in sitcom How I Met Your Mother actually correct?

  • Are You The Reacher Or The Settler?

Or is this just a cruel theory designed to make people question an otherwise decent relationship? VT spoke to people in relationships to gauge whether or not there was always a power imbalance somewhere, or whether some couples weighed up perfectly.

what is the reacher and settler in a relationship

Predictably, many couples declined to pinpoint which partner was more desirable, yet a few spoke about the theory openly, with one year-old man, who'd been with his partner for a year and a half, rejecting the notion for his relationship.

With my relationship, we're both reasonably attractive, we've both got decent jobs, we're on similar money and I think we're both of the same intelligence. There's no reacher or settler and I'm not just saying that because I don't want to upset my other half.