When Mom Comes to Stay: Surviving Her First Postpartum Visit
There's nothing unhealthy about loving your mum a lot and wanting her around, but you can't be forever in a child relationship with your parent. Eileen's parents divorced when she was four and she lived with her mother until “This, in the end, may be the crux of a parent's power over a child: not only to. A great many mother daughter relationships feel about as healthy as a swig of the child of the opposite gender tends to bond more closely with the parent of.
You are allowed, even encouraged, to be selfish during the first postpartum weeks. You're recovering from the hard work of childbirth, tending to a tyrannically needy little person, and trying to keep a household running, all while under the influence of powerful hormones. Erica Lyon, an independent maternity educator in New York City, offers this litmus test: But if there's any doubt about whether your mom can make it totally about you and the baby, or if you feel she'll boss you around and not give you space to develop your relationship with the baby, don't invite her.
Deanna, of Novi, Michigan, learned the hard way that it was much better for her family to be alone the first week.
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Her visiting mother-in-law greeted her with a pat on the stomach and the immortal words "you didn't lose much weight," and the visit went downhill from there to the moment when the lentil soup that Grandma insisted on making in the pressure cooker exploded all over the house. I felt I couldn't with her there.
You can say you have an opportunity to hire a great baby nurse or doula. If Grandma lives far away and assumes she will be welcome, suggest a long weekend rather than a full week. Or consider easing the burden on your household by finding a neighbor that she can stay with, or a bed-and-breakfast. Such a setup may feel alien or insulting to some, but you can point out the very real advantages it offers to her: She can have all the baby time she wants during the day, but still get a good night's sleep.
Managing the Visit Childbirth can be a time of miracles, and often a grandma will rise to the occasion in ways you never dreamed. However, you have to start with the assumption that she'll be her usual self and arrange the visit to play to her strengths. The more clearly you make your needs known, the smoother the visit is likely to go. So what is Grandma's job description? One way to approach the visit is to lay out the jobs and match them up to the person. Assume that you will need help with the four basic household tasks: Deanna says that when her mother arrived for a one-day visit after the birth of her second son, she knew what her priorities were: More youthful grandmas may love taking the baby for walks and giving you some time at home for some much-needed sleep.
Curiously, experts offer up the same advice for the overbearing mother, like my husband's, and the passive one like mine. Even though they're acting in opposite ways, both women are failing to read your cues, and at heart they may both be struggling with similar conflicts about their usefulness.
Surviving Your Mom's First Postpartum Visit
Vincent's Hospital, in New York City. Say, 'I really need you to give the baby a bath. To minimize the negative feelings, keep the focus on the tasks that need to be done and on making the request in a clear and kind way. Rikki, of New York City, mother of a 1-year-old boy, discovered that it helped greatly if each grandparent had a special job to do with the baby, which helps her feel her bond is different from anyone else's.
Expect some trial and error before a niche emerges. At first, Lucy, of Springfield, Virginia, mother of a 2-year-old, was driven to distraction by her mother-in-law's hesitancy.
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When clashes arise, Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, founder of Family Works in San Rafael, California and herself a grandmotherencourages a new mother to defuse them by acknowledging that the methods she's chosen do not reflect a judgment of the grandmother's parenting.
Grandmas who nag are grandmas who sense they're being ignored or not taken seriously, a condition you can mitigate with what DeWolf-Smith calls "reflective listening.
If your mother disagrees with a practice to which you're committed, say in a nonconfrontational way, "Can you look at this and tell me what you think? It may even be more helpful to look underneath to the more primal struggle. The best friend, the one-call-a-week, the glorified babysitter What mother-and-daughter tribe are you?
Rex By Anna Maxted 6: Yet no one bakes as willingly or as beautifully. No one is as sweetly appreciative of me and my children. In short, no one loves me in quite the way she does. As Dawn French made clear in The Telegraph on Sundaythe mother-daughter relationship is a complex one.
She spoke for many mothers when she admitted she adores her daughter Billie but their relationship can be fraught: It may sound familiar. The maternal-filial bond comes in many colours, after all. So which mother-daughter tribe do you belong to? They go clubbing and shopping together, and every gruesome relationship detail is candidly discussed even, on occasion, witnessed. They gossip daily and live suffocatingly close.
Wendy Bristow, a London-based psychotherapistsays: Their friendship subsequently suffered. It was like she was the child and I was the parent. Now we no longer talk.