Ask Ammanda: I’m stuck in an unhappy, emotionally barren marriage | Relate
Of course, feeling trapped is a state of mind. No one needs consent to leave a relationship. Millions of people remain in unhappy relationships that range from. But being married to him has made me more negative and cautious. I've been in my relationship for 15years, we have 2 kids 3 and . Felt trapped and so unhappy but really wanted the family to stay together and to keep the kids with. Of course, feeling trapped is a state of mind; no one needs consent to leave a relationship. And yet millions of people remain in unhappy.
It is up to you to decide what to do, where to base yourself, and what attitude to take about your situation. Let us start with what you can do. You describe your husband as still reasonably independent. I would guess his sexual demands on you have decreased. And because you are retired, you must have more free time now. It sounds as if it is possible for you to care for your husband and to pursue some of your own interests.
So you are not faced with a mutually exclusive choice; if you want to, you can do both. Then there is the question of where you would like to live.
Because your husband does not need full-time care, you could continue to look after him - or at least help with this - even if you leave. Therefore you need not feel you are at an impasse if you wish to leave but at the same time feel you must continue in your caring role. Finally, there is the question of your attitude. You do not have to be miserable when you take on the role of carer, nor will you necessarily be happy when you pursue your interests.
You could choose to enjoy your duties as a carer. After all, what we define as our duty should be an expression of our values, so it should bring you satisfaction and pleasure to do what you believe is right.
Conversely, you may find you do not enjoy your hobbies as much as you thought you would. You speak fondly of these activities, but you do not say whether you have actually tried pursuing any of them already. You will need to do that before you can be sure you will really enjoy them. Why not start by taking up one right away? Sign up to learn another language or volunteer at your local hospital.
Ask Ammanda: I’m stuck in an unhappy, emotionally barren marriage
If after a month or so you find that following your hobbies in addition to caring for your husband is becoming too onerous, make an appointment with your GP and ask if a community nurse could ease your burden. Your GP will be able to advise you about other options as well. If by then, you are feeling more determined to separate from your husband, make an appointment with a solicitor.
Try to see the solution to your dilemma as a process rather than as one dramatic, life-changing step. After all, real life is all about compromise and continual change.
Explore how you can find space in your life for your passions while also upholding your beliefs and values most appropriately. Finally, whatever you do, make up your mind right now to enjoy doing it.
No one can force anyone else to be miserable. We choose how to react to whatever happens to us. If you elect to enjoy yourself, you can be sure that things will improve for you whether you actually do anything else differently or not. Who knows what effect your new frame of mind may have on your husband? Linda Blair Next week: My mother will not accept my boyfriend I am 26 and have been with my boyfriend for seven years, but have never properly explained to my parents the nature of our relationship, although my friends and siblings know.
This is because I believe my mother would think him inappropriate. She believes any potential husband should be the same nationality I'm Scottish, he is Americana similar age he is seven years olderand financially viable he is self-employed, which my mother would see as unstable. My sister is to be married next year and I have been invited to the wedding as a single person. My mother seems to be controlling the guest list and refuses to allow me to bring anyone.
I am ashamed that it has come to this, especially as my partner's family have welcomed me with open arms. When I try to tell my mother about our relationship, she goes into an abusive rant about him and I end up saying nothing. I am also angry that my sister refuses to insist that I should be able to bring a guest to her wedding.
I feel I have totally failed my partner, who nevertheless refuses to blame me. I am now determined to tell my parents about our relationship. As much as I would like to say that I do not care whether or not they accept him, of course I do, if only because his family have been wonderful to me. I feel he wants to whitewash me with a big paintbrush and blank out the complexity and richness of sharing emotions, thoughts, desires, hopes, fears and dreams.
I feel devastated frankly. Ammanda says… Yes, I receive many emails just like yours.
- I feel trapped in an unhappy relationship
- Are You Trapped & Unhappy in Your Relationship?
Like lots of people, you know what the problem is and have ideas about the solution — but actually making the changes needed is the tricky bit. However, the short answer is, you have to stop waiting for the other one to make the first move. Most of us want to feel supported, loved, cared for and important to our other half, but we usually need to experience it in a way that we can recognise. Well, I have news for your husband. If that is indeed his approach, then he needs to accept that this approach rarely works.
Likewise, you also have a very long list of the things you want to change in him. But you too, have to remember that he is only human and having all of what you seek from him would be a very tall order for anyone to meet. Waiting for a partner to become perfect usually entails quite some time and I think you and your husband are now essentially waiting for the other to make the first move.
I feel trapped in an unhappy relationship | Life and style | The Guardian
That means that you each need to step forward and meet each other half way — even a tenth of the way would be a start. So, how do you do this? The first thing to do is to recognise that this is about both of you. For me, one of the most striking features of your letter is the underlying hope, despite everything, that you could have a future together. Couple counselling can be very helpful in getting new dialogues going.