Type Three — The Enneagram Institute
between any two types. Keep in mind that one can have a relationship with any type if the two people are healthy. Type 3 - The Achiever. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9. 9, 1–9, 2–9, 3–9, 4–9, 5–9, 6–9, 7–9, 8–9, 9–9 Then, simply click on the combination of Enneagram types you want to explore, and you'll be taken to that . Enneagram types aren't going to give you a horoscope reading, your astrological Relationship reminder: Try not to be absorbed by the needs of your significant TYPE SIX: The Loyalist. TYPE NINE: The Peacemaker.
We need to acknowledge our biases concerning the different types, especially the strongly positive and negative biases. Definitions for Each of the Type Pairings In what follows, I present the definitions regarding the relationship dynamics for each of the 45 possible combinations of Enneagram types. These categories and their definitions form the basis of the relationship dynamics; do familiarize yourself with these.
Conflicts often arise because each type has a different perception of what is needed for a satisfactory life and for the fulfillment of the three basic needs for security, connection, and autonomy.
These efforts often take the form of allegation or blame, even if subtle, and frequently have a repetitive quality. They can result in a circle of conflict characterized by increasing intensity and distress. Understanding and becoming aware of this cycle is a virtual key to resolving conflict constructively and compassionately.
Relationship Development There are three fundamental aspects to relationship development, all of great importance.Enneagram types 9 & 4: "spinning out" and relationship difficulties
What to acknowledge 2. What to appreciate 3. Key tasks for development In working with these key aspects of relationship development, do keep applying the steps of the Universal Growth Process [link goes here] as these underlie each of these practices.
Daily practice is the key. Take time each day to preview the aspects you are working on and at the end of the day, review how you are doing. What to Acknowledge About Self This is about what each individual needs to take responsibility for that contributes to difficulty and distress in the relationship. What to Appreciate About the Other This section elucidates the positive attributes and qualities each individual needs to acknowledge, appreciate, and support in the other.
Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship Here I provide the key specific recommendations concerning what each individual in the relationship needs to start doing, stop doing, work on, or accept to improve the relationship, enhance satisfaction, and ultimately create a relationship that truly flourishes. Criticism, counter-criticism, and grievances can build over these differences.
Since they often suppress needs and desires, perfectionists may find it difficult to initiate activities designed to enhance pleasure. Because of the focus on error and mistakes, they can also fail to acknowledge successes and offer praise.
This can all culminate in angry battles, rigid holding onto positions, cold disengagement, and ultimately, even alienation and separation. Relationship Development for Perfectionists with Perfectionists: What to Acknowledge about Self: What to Appreciate in Other Perfectionists: High standards, devotion to practical virtues and fairness, courage of convictions, industry, support for improvement.
Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship: Practice accepting and appreciating standards with different content. Realize that correcting mistakes in others easily gets misconstrued as criticism. Allocate time for pleasure, desires, and relaxation. Assist each other to release from the dominance of the judging mind. Type 1, the Perfectionist, and Type 2, the Giver Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Perfectionists offer steadfastness, dependability, and industry, while Givers offer emotion, optimism, attention to the relationship, and pizzazz — a good combination.
The Perfectionist, however, can experience the Giver as being too tied to the relationship and even dependent and unnecessarily helpful. The Giver, in turn, can feel unappreciated, judged as being hedonistic and giving too much, and therefore not acknowledged by the emotionally restrained Perfectionist.
A cycle of heightening conflict can manifest with criticism and counter-criticism about what is wrong, who needs help, and what constitutes care. This can lead to estrangement, especially since neither type is good at expressing desires and needs even though Givers can be on the hedonistic side in the service of others. As a result, estrangement and deadening can lead to disruption of the relationship. Relationship Development for Perfectionists with Givers: What to Acknowledge about Self.
Disowned judgmental tendencies, under-acknowledgement of positives, suppression of pleasure and desire, inflexibility. What to Appreciate in Givers. Helpfulness, attention to the relationship, caring, exuberance, adaptability.
Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship. Devote time to pleasure and relationship building.
Relationship Development for Givers with Perfectionists: What to Appreciate in Perfectionists. Commitment to improvement, restraint and self-reliance, high inner standards, consistence, devotion to practical virtues.
Practice steadiness and consistency. Welcome suggestions for improvement. The Perfectionist, however, sometimes may become critical of the way the Performer discounts important details, cuts corners, speeds through things with their fast pace, and making changes to suit circumstances.
This pattern can become compounded since both types tend to avoid feelings, which eventually leads to alienation and separation. What to Appreciate in Performers. A can-do attitude, positivity, shared value in work and competence, goal focus, efficiency. To reduce the emphasis on minutiae and correctness. To moderate the intensity embedded in judgmentalness. To make time for the relationship, pleasure, and relaxation.
Take time to slow the pace and encourage the Perfectionist to do likewise. Allow in more receptive force. Pay more attention to details and underlying principle. Make time for the relationship, pleasure, and relaxation.
A cycle of escalating conflict and blame can materialize, characterized by complaint and counter-complaint and even withdrawal. Neither then feels supported or worthy and both feel estranged and alienated, which ultimately endangers the relationship. What to Appreciate in Romantics. Depth of feeling, uniqueness, creative flair, idealism, empathy for others and especially those who may be suffering. Appreciate more of what is good and positive rather than what is wrong and negative.
Disowned emotional fluctuations, difficulty accepting constraints and ordinary aspects of life, disproportionate idealism, a tendency to focus upon what is missing or lacking in the relationship, sensitivity to criticism. Practicality, conscientiousness, commitment, holding to convictions, striving for improvement, attention to detail.
Cultivate practicality, restraint, and steadiness even in the presence of strong feelings. Accept criticism as positive and not a reflection on self-worth. Stay present and in a state of gratitude for what is. Encourage Perfectionists to express desires and acceptance. Type 1, the Perfectionist, and Type 5, the Observer Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts While both types share the qualities of restraint, control of feelings, rationality, self-sufficiency, and respect of boundaries, these same qualities represent challenges in communicating feelings and desires and for connection.
The Observer tends to retract and withdraw as a protection against the perceived intrusion. This, in turn, can invite further judgment and resentment or anger from the Perfectionist about what is wrong with the relationship and further angry retraction on the part of the Observer.
Both can turn silent and withholding, endangering the relationship. What to Appreciate in Observers. Work at sustaining non-judgmental and moderate engagement. Your sensitivity to intrusion and criticism, an avoidance of feelings and charged issues, a tendency to withdraw or take superior position by judging in an intellectual manner.
Restraint, practicality, self-reliance, dependability, high standards, striving to improve things and relationships as a form of care, attention to detail. Move forward and embrace feelings and charged issues. Find ways to enliven the relationship, including the physical relationship. Encourage Perfectionists to live and let live and in the process, to become more accepting of differences in others.
Relationship Type 6 with Type 9 — The Enneagram Institute
Type 1, the Perfectionist, and Type 6, the Loyal Skeptic Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Perfectionists and Loyal Skeptics often work synergistically in the pursuit of making a better world and correcting injustice. They are sensitive to each other and dedicated.
A cycle of escalating conflict and blame can result when the Perfectionist becomes more critical and angry, feeling that nothing can make the Loyal Skeptic secure and certain. All of this can lead to pain and even disruption or an end to the relationship. What to Appreciate in Loyal Skeptics. Loyalty, endurance, warmth, intellect, healthy questioning, sensitivity to real issues. Attune more to positives and encourage the Loyal Skeptic to do the same.
Provide reassurance, not correction. Allow for more playfulness and lighten up. Work at appreciating the differences between you. A disowned magnification of negatives and worst case scenarios, sensitivity to criticism, contrary thinking, a doubting mind, a tendency to mistrust, difficulty staying with pleasures. Restraint, conscientiousness, high ethical standards, their striving for improvement, dependability, desire for the best, attention to detail.
Pay attention to all the questioning and doubts in order to become more trusting. Attend to and savor positives and pleasures and encourage the Perfectionist to do the same. Accept criticism without magnifying it. While these contrasting qualities can complement each other, they can also lead to a cycle of escalating conflict.
This can devolve into explosive outbursts by the Epicure and righteous fixed-position anger on the part of the Perfectionist. Ultimately, this polarity can become intolerable to both types and end the relationship.
What to Appreciate in Epicures. Spontaneity, enthusiasm, optimism, flexibility, future orientation, a fun-loving quality. Practice lightening up and letting go of judgments. Grasp the polarity in styles.
Make pleasure a priority. Resistance to limits, avoidance of details and ordinary life tasks, tendency to rationalize and reframe, an inclination to be self-serving. Self-control, conscientiousness, high ethical standards, their striving for improvement, practicality, industry, attention to detail and ordinary life tasks.
Relationships (Type Combinations) — The Enneagram Institute
Become more grounded in the present. Hear and even welcome negative feedback. Maintain a healthy pleasure orientation and encourage the Perfectionist to embrace more pleasure. Type 1, the Perfectionist, and Type 8, the Protector Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Perfectionists and Protectors often join together in pursuing causes related to fairness, justice and shared interests.
However, conflict arises over their considerable opposite tendencies. When this interaction becomes polarized, it can lead to entrenchment, angry outbursts, withdrawal, and eventual destruction of the relationship. What To Appreciate In Protectors.
Strength, leadership, decisiveness, directness, exuberance for life, pursuit of truth, generosity. Become more spontaneous and appreciate this in the Protector. Develop genuine flexibility, not just flexibility based on an internal standard. Stand firm regarding core values. Express your own desires and needs. Develop comfort in expressing anger.
Recognize and work with the polarity in the two types. A tendency toward excess, going from impulse to action, an all-or-nothing style of attending my way or the highway stanceinsensitivity regarding impact on others. What To Appreciate In Perfectionists. Restraint, conscientiousness, high ethical standards, striving for improvement, industry, fairness, attention to detail.
Practice moderating impulsivity and impact. Type 1, the Perfectionist, and Type 9, the Mediator Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Perfectionists and Mediators often join together in attending to detail and leading an orderly, steady life. The Meaning of the Arrows in brief When moving in their Direction of Disintegration stressdutiful Sixes suddenly become competitive and arrogant at Three.
However, when moving in their Direction of Integration growthfearful, pessimistic Sixes become more relaxed and optimistic, like healthy Nine.
Learn more about the arrows. Kennedy, Malcolm X, George H. Sixes are also loyal to ideas, systems, and beliefs—even to the belief that all ideas or authorities should be questioned or defied. In any case, they will typically fight for their beliefs more fiercely than they will fight for themselves, and they will defend their community or family more tenaciously than they will defend themselves.
The reason Sixes are so loyal to others is that they do not want to be abandoned and left without support—their Basic Fear. Thus, the central issue for type Six is a failure of self-confidence. If suitable structures do not exist, they will help create and maintain them. Sixes are the primary type in the Thinking Center, meaning that they have the most trouble contacting their own inner guidance.
This does not mean that they do not think. On the contrary, they think—and worry—a lot! They also tend to fear making important decisions, although at the same time, they resist having anyone else make decisions for them.
If Sixes feel that they have sufficient back up, they can move forward with some degree of confidence. But if that crumbles, they become anxious and self-doubting, reawakening their Basic Fear. What am I going to do now? Sixes attempt to build a network of trust over a background of unsteadiness and fear.
They are often filled with a nameless anxiety and then try to find or create reasons why. A religious family might encourage a child to become a minister, priest, or rabbi since these professions have status in their community and in the eyes of the family.
No matter how success is defined, Threes will try to become somebody noteworthy in their family and their community. As children, they learned to recognize the activities that were valued by their parents or peers, and put their energies into excelling in those activities.
Threes also learned how to cultivate and develop whatever about them is attractive or potentially impressive.
Eve is a successful business-woman: I was about three when I performed my first solo in front of the church congregation. I got a lot of positive strokes for that and went on to perform in front of audiences throughout high school, either through music or debate. To this day, something mystical happens to me when I get in front of an audience. Threes want success not so much for the things that success will buy like Sevensor for the power and feeling of independence that it will bring like Eights.
They want success because they are afraid of disappearing into a chasm of emptiness and worthlessness: The problem is that, in the headlong rush to achieve whatever they believe will make them more valuable, Threes can become so alienated from themselves that they no longer know what they truly want, or what their real feelings or interests are.
In this state, they are easy prey to self—deception, deceit, and falseness of all kinds. Thus, the deeper problem is that their search for a way to be of value increasingly takes them further away from their own Essential Self with its core of real value. From their earliest years, as Threes become dependent on receiving attention from others and in pursuing the values that others reward, they gradually lose touch with themselves.
Threes have come to believe that emotions get in the way of their performance, so they substitute thinking and practical action for feelings. Jarvis is a well-educated and accomplished business professional; he sees that this pattern developed in him at an early age.
I developed the habit of denying my feelings and instead focused on performing and getting good marks in school. Thus, the fundamental dilemma of Threes is that they have not been allowed to be who they really are and to manifest their own authentic qualities. At a young age, they got the message that they were not allowed to have feelings and be themselves: To some degree, all of the personality types have been sent the same message, but because of their particular background and makeup, Threes not only heard it, they began to live by it.
The attention they received by performing in a certain way was their oxygen, and they needed it to breathe. Unfortunately, it came at a high price.